A month has past...

I’ve officially been here for a month. One third of the internship is over. Craziness. It really has gone by fast. Im hoping that the next two months feel slower. I really want to treasure this time. And up until last week i felt like my mind never quit spinning. I went to bed always worrying about what i was going to do the next day and afraid i wouldn’t get everything done i needed too. Just really anxious all the time. And it was literally driving me crazy. And i prayed for peace, but it didn’t seem to come. When i realized that it wasn’t just something i could control myself, i knew it was the way the enemy was trying to attack me. Because i’m so hungry to learn and take everything in i can while i’m here, he was using that to drive me completely nuts. So then the next night i went to the awakening meeting and Wes Hall was saying how he felt like someone was struggling with being anxious and worrying. And i knew he was talking about me. So i stood up for prayer and some of the girls prayed for me and i haven’t had that problem since. The Lord truly did set me free. And i have peace. At times i find myself going back to that place of being anxious, but right away i stop and pray for peace then go about doing what i need to do. He’s so good.

Last night i had a revelation that will change the way i live forever. I realized that i came here to fall in love with Jesus and find His will for my life. And i was sitting here waiting for God to tell me exactly what i was supposed to do. Literally. And then in our apartment burn last night we were talking about Colossians 1:9-10. And i’m sure i read this verse before, but tonight when i read it and Abby (my apartment leader) explained it, and of course with the Holy Spirit, it finally hit me. Colossians 1:9-10 says,

“For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that we will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in everything good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.”

So this whole time i thought the knowledge of His will was His will for my life, but its not. It says “the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding”, so His will for me is to seek the knowledge of who He is. If i’m always seeking Him and seeking His knowledge, i’m in His will. Thats it! How simple. I always make things to complicated. Here i’m waiting for Him to tell me exactly what to do, and it was my main focus. And He’s saying just seek Me, seek my knowledge, seek out who I am, and what Im like. But its like ok, so where do i work? Where do i live? And all the other questions in life while i’m seeking Him? And i’m still seeking this out more, but i really think He wants me to do what’s in my heart. Like what do i want to do? What does my little heart desire? And i really think thats the answer to what i’m suppose to do, and as long as i’m seeking the knowledge of Him first and foremost, i’m in His will. Because who put those desires in my heart? I really believe He did. So if i follow those desires, and seek Him first, i’m in His will. Thats it. And of course that doesn’t mean you never pray about things or seek Him in areas of your life, but if your seeking Him first He’s going to lead you in situations and areas of your life. But His will for us is to seek Him and glorify Him. Reading the Word, praying, and fasting isn’t the means to an end, its the end. Thats where He wants us. Sitting at His feet all the days of our lives. My new life long goal is to be a Mary of Bethany.
To anyone whos reading this, i’d love to hear what you think in this area. I hope this brings as much comfort and freedom to your heart as it has mine.

Be blessed.

Sabbaths truly are from the Lord

As i sit on the patio drinking a amazing iced latte without a care in the world, i am thankful. Wednesdays are are sabbaths (are day off). They call it sabbath instead of day off cause when you think of day off you think of being lazy and doing nothing. And thats not what they want us to do. They want it to truly be a day of rest for us. And today has been just that. Last week i used my sabbath to do things i really wanted to do, hang out with people and so forth. But before i knew it the day was over and i hadnt done half the things i wanted to do. So this week i was determined to use it wisely. And so far i've been successful. My day has consisted off working out, cleaning the apartment, reading, and now blogging. But its been so relaxing. And after this im headed back to the apartment to do more reading and im going to get my paints out and paint. Im so excited. Then we have a apartment meeting at 4 am. So my days really only half over.

Thankfully im completely over my cold, the sad part is my 2 roommates are sick now. I think i might have given it to them. When i look at them i feel bad cause i know just how they feel. So please pray for them.

Im not sure exactly where to start as to what the Lord has been doing in my life. I cant say i've had a huge revelation and i now understand everything, not at all. But i've come to realize through are one class what im truly missing in my relationship with the man Jesus. And thats a emotional relationship. My emotions arent involved. I know He loves me, but do i really feel it? I say, yes He loves me. But i only know it. In my heart i dont feel it. And knowing something in your head and feeling something in your heart are two completely different things. So im praying for a encounter with His love. Because i know when i encounter His love i will never be the same. I've also realized it takes Him to love Him. I truly am a weak human. I realized that when i fasted for a day. I can do nothing in my own strength. I cant even love Him without His Spirit first showing me His love. Hes so smart though. It keeps us always running back to Him. And thats what He wants, intimacy. With us! Of all things, He wants weak and frail humans. Unbelievable. But true.

If your reading this mom and dad, i love and miss you.

Be blessed.

Life at the International House of Prayer

Im here. In Kansas City. Craziness i tell you. I cant believe im here. And honestly, it hasnt hit me i'll be here for 3 more months. And im not looking forward to the day it hits me, even though i already love it here. I have so many wonderful people back at home that i'll be missing. Some people dont understand that, but its ok. Words cant explain how much they mean to me.

So far its been so good though. Switching my schedule completely around to being up all night and sleeping during the day has been pretty easy. I love the night, and it just makes sense to me. Getting settled in and finally getting over this cold thats hung around for a week now. Living with 4 other girls has gone surprisingly good so far. I share a room with one other girl, then the master bedroom the other 3 girls are staying in. So we lucked out considering they told us that there would be 4 to a room. I cant imagine having 2 more girls in our room. Lord knows i probably wouldnt have made it. Im learning how much time i spent by myself at home. And enjoyed it. But i enjoy living with these girls. Having someone to always talk to, borrow their clothes, etc etc. One of the girls in our apartment, her names Suejin, we've really clicked. She reminds me of my best friend Jenn so much. So its been awesome. Today is our day off so we went to a park this afternoon to play guitar. Were not allowed to play guitar in our apartment (we broke that rule like the second day, along with like everyone else) because of the people above or below us. But if you think about it, its not any louder then playing music. So thats how we've looked at it, and until the Lord convicts us we'll probably continue to do it. I made Suejin work out with me today too. She didnt really want to at first, but she got into it then. So its our plan to continue to every day. Its so nice to have someone to do it with.

As far as the rules go, there taking some time getting used to. Were not allowed to have any one on one conversations with guys, and that includes texting, emailing, facebooking, everything pretty much. I thought we were allowed to at least write letters to guys back home, but it turns out that were not allowed to unless you were in a dating relationship before you came. I know the rules are all there for a reason and to only make our time here more profitable. And honestly, you could probably break most of them without anyone finding out. But i've decided that since im here anyways im going to give it my all and not let this time be in vain.

The Lords already doing so much. I feel like i've learned so much since i've been here. But i have so much to learn. I just keep praying for revelations, because i need it. I can read a passage of scripture a million times, but if He doesnt give me a revelation of it it wont do me any good. Its overwhelming at times. I feel like a sponge trying to soak it all in, and make sense of it all. But its like a friend reminded me, it takes time. So i'll wait. And be faithful to continually seek Him. Knowing He'll take me deeper. I just want to fall madly in love with Jesus. The One who gave His life for me. But i've realized that i cant love Him the way He desires till i truly encounter His love. So im praying He would do that. And i know theres a spot in His heart that only i can fill. Which completely amazes me as well. Its all to much for my little pea size brain to wrap around. But He is good.

I have 2 more hours until our apartment meeting, so i think im going to head back to the apartment and do some cleaning before our apartment leader gets there. I dont think the trash has been taken out since we got here. Then after the meeting im going to bed, trying to catch up on sleep when i can. So to all of you who are reading this, good night. Or for most of you, good morning.

Be blessed.